A Tech Girl’s Guide to Finding Your Light Again | Part 2: The Muck
A little essay - an ode to the inglorious experience of burning out. (iykyk - ps. there's hope.)
Last post, I talked about the structural forces quietly grinding us down — the cost cutting, the helplessness, the grief of watching a craft you built your identity on shift beneath your feet.
This post is about what burnout in the tech industry actually feels like in your body. In your life. On a Tuesday morning.
How banal, I often thought to myself — there I stood, knee-deep in a pool of wax, my embers barely visible. I stubbornly persisted on, in denial that my energy was running on empty reserves.
There is shame in it. A shame you have to bury for a while before it’s even touchable.
Covered in Muck
If you’re still reading this, perhaps you can relate. Perhaps you woke up this morning and suddenly noticed that you are covered in muck — several layers thick. You were moving too fast to see it before. Now it’s too thick to ignore. And it’s weighing you down. It’s become difficult to move. Difficult to think.
Texts go unanswered. You have just enough energy to send that one email — but that’s all the will your daily rations allow on your current reserves. Dreaming is an escape. Getting out of bed is just going through the motions.
You’ve been forcing yourself through the routines your responsibilities demand for so long that you’ve become so disconnected from yourself, you don’t know what you’d even want to do with your life if you had to choose.
But the room is so dark now, you don’t have a choice but to do something different. You can’t go on this way. Something has to change.
How did you get to this point? The details don’t matter right now. It’s too early. But the metaphor is enough.
Right now, you are covered in so much muck that you are essentially the human equivalent of one of those hard, hollow, chocolate Easter bunnies that don’t taste very good — and it’s muck, not chocolate. Worse.
When you look in the mirror, it still looks like you. You don’t see the muck when you’ve hit rock bottom. You see what looks like you, but doesn’t feel like you. You feel sluggish, stiff. It takes all your effort to move a muscle. (Who knew sitting with computers could cause literal physical exhaustion?)
It’s no wonder you’re feeling this way though. You’ve been covered in several layers of muck for a few years now — you felt heavier, more labored over time, but you could still move.
Rewind your life. Quick. Stop.
You remember the time when you were muck free. Younger. Earnest. Excited. Optimistic. Energetically pursuing the thing that gradually burns you out over time.
Take a deep breath and ready your thumb. The next part is a classic flip book animation of your life. Slowly, flip the pages until you get to the first sling of muck. Look at yourself — it was hardly noticeable. Keep going. A little faster. Faster through the years. The muck builds gradually over time.
And you, you are the hero. For so long this fast-forwarded stop-motion review of your life has been a story of Human Triumph. Brave perseverance. Even as the muck gets thicker, you push through. You get stronger. So strong you don’t notice the muck is heavier. And then there is the climactic blow. It’s more of a spiritual blow. The muck layers consistently. For some reason, you can’t bounce back as easily.
Now, it’s obvious why. Looking back on the chapters, the animated flip book makes clear what is impossible to notice in real time: that you were the slow-boiling frog — but instead of boiling water, this metaphor covers you in muck.
Helplessness. Despair. Anger. Shame. They are buried too — baked into the hardened surface currently restricting your spirit.
Numbness. Exhaustion. Emptiness.
That’s all that’s left to feel.
I know that feeling. And if you’re reading this now and can relate — maybe you are feeling the cold concrete rock bottom with your bare hands today — congratulations.
Your new chapter starts today.
“Stay gold, Ponyboy.”
— The Outsiders
Coming up in Part 3: Everyone gets out of the hole a little differently. I’ve been where you are. I’m your techgirl guide — and I’m going to show you the map.1
About This Series: If you’re experiencing burnout in your tech career — especially the quiet, high-functioning kind — you’re not alone. In this series, I’m breaking down the emotional, physical, and identity-level layers of burnout and how to recover without abandoning ambition.