A Tech Girl’s Guide to Finding Your Light Again | Part 3: Here's the Map.
Burned out in tech and don't know where to start? Here are 6 honest steps to begin recovering — from surrender to rebuilding quietly on your own terms.
If you're just joining us, start with Part 1 and Part 2 — this map picks up where those left off.
Where did we leave off?
Covered in heavy, immovable muck. Sitting quietly like a long-burnt wick, just after the wind stole your last ember.
I’m with you now — and I’m lighter. This trail of steps I’ve followed, like breadcrumbs through the fog, is shedding the muck. Reigniting my spirit. Giving me new life.
Here’s the map.
I made it retracing my own journey. It may not be your map — but hey, you gotta start somewhere. What’s there to lose?
I am your techgirl guide. Follow my steps and you’ll find your way back to your light.
Why listen to me?
Baby, I got my fire back. A year and a half out from the lonely concrete bottom — still shedding, but I can see the light. That’s enough.
And I’m moving forward on my own terms.
Step 1: Surrender
Let yourself do nothing. (It won’t last long — you have time.)
Surrender to stillness. Be quiet. That “responsible” thing nagging your brain — don’t do it. Anything that feels like force — don’t do it. If you are actually burnt out, this part will be easier than expected.
It’s not about melting into a permanent couch potato or recklessly going off the grid. It’s a pause. A breath. Temporary, but slightly uncomfortably longer than you’d like. Allow yourself to be with your discomfort. An afternoon? A week? You can afford to take a time out. Your life depends on it right now.
At this point, when you look in the mirror, you will still look like yourself — but you won’t feel like yourself. It’s too early to see the muck. It can only be felt. Surrender to that.
Step 2: Ask Yourself. Be Honest.
What would you do if you didn’t have to do it?
I struggled to answer this question. It had been so long — so many years of forcing myself to do what I should do, usually due to some external force — that I genuinely had no idea what I wanted anymore. Maybe I started out wanting something about the thing that burned me out, but at some point it lost its joy and I forged on anyway.
So really — ask yourself: what would you do if you didn’t have to do it?
If the first image that comes to mind is you in a circus tent, don’t panic. I’m not here to tell you to throw everything away and pursue your surprisingly suppressed circus career calling. Trust the process. The first image is just a breadcrumb.
What keeps coming up? Most likely it will look very different from whatever burned you out. That’s good. Maybe it’s something you used to love. Something that made you feel free.
Reacquaint yourself with younger you. It’s probably been a while. A lot has changed. But in this moment, she’s probably your best friend — showing up unannounced, unexpectedly, with a gift: your first clue.
Step 3: Notice
You’ll know you’ve allowed yourself to pick up the first crumb when the first synchronicity inexplicably enters your life. An old friend calls you out of the blue. You overhear your neighbor talking about the circus class she just signed up for — from here on, the circus stands in for whatever you imagined in Step 2.
Notice your surprise. Notice your resistance. Notice your fear. Maybe you are looking at an old scar. A dream deferred. Something you let go of to “grow up,” make money, be “responsible.” Maybe it feels a little dangerous to entertain.
You still can’t see it — but you can feel it. That’s exactly how you know you are moving toward the light.
Step 4: Say Yes
You’re still safe. Treat this as an experiment. The circus school in the city has a drop-in trapeze class for beginners tomorrow. One class. Just to see. Go.
“Don’t give in to your fears,” said the alchemist, in a strangely gentle voice. “If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
— Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Fear is exactly what’s standing between you and the next breadcrumb. Not logic. Not timing. Fear. And the only way through it is a single small yes — just this one thing, just for you, just to see.
Step 5: Don’t Tell Anyone. (This is critical.)
Sign up for the trapeze class and go. Don’t post it on social media. Don’t announce it to your friends and family.
It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about doing something just for you. Because you want to do it.
And the only way to be sure it’s for you — and not some external validation (I’m looking at you, high-achieving perfectionist types) — is to let it be for you and only you. Shh. For now.
The only way to really remember what feels right to your soul is to let it be yours alone first. To protect it from other people’s opinions before it’s strong enough to survive them.
Step 6: Go Off the Radar. Rebuild Quietly.
This one is hard. If you work in tech, you are likely an achieving type. Tech attracts bright minds, star students. We curate our social circles — intentionally or not — with peers of similar résumés, or careers we aspire toward. If you started your career at FAANG or a hot hypergrowth startup, your network is status and achievement-oriented by default.
To take a career break can seem like career suicide. Even if it’s not, you will notice people you considered friends treat you like you’ve tattooed a red flag on your face. But they’ll pretend not to notice. You get to be on the receiving end of thinly veiled micro-judgments. It’s so fun. (It’s not.) And so enlightening.
It’s not personal. It’s just how most people in this industry are programmed. And if they are still running strong, they won’t get it. That’s okay. It doesn’t make them bad people. And it doesn’t mean you deserve the judgment.
Not gonna lie — the start of Step 6 kind of sucks. The flood of recruiter emails slows to a trickle. Networking events are a sea of new people quickly glossing over you upon hearing your answer to “what do you do?”
Even the humble will feel their egos unexpectedly bruised. But this is where the portal begins to open. Give yourself permission to feel it — and then let it go.
Let them.
— Mel Robbins
You have just shed your first layer of muck.
You are lighter now.
Free from others’ judgment. The only limit from here is you.
You are free.
The world is your oyster. And so is your story.
The synchronicities start to accelerate the moment you decide to keep following the breadcrumb trail when no one is looking. The signal beckoning you gets clearer the more you let yourself trust it.
Part 4 is coming. But don't wait for me — you already know the next step.
Coming up in Part 4:
The numbers. The details I’ve kept close. My actual story — how I got to the concrete bottom, and what it looked like to climb out.
About This Series: If you’re experiencing burnout in your tech career — especially the quiet, high-functioning kind — you’re not alone. In this series, I’m breaking down the emotional, physical, and identity-level layers of burnout and how to recover without abandoning ambition.